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Politics

Which Hollywood A-lister told PIERS MORGAN she’s ‘very nice’ – except in the bedroom?

Keep a diary,’ stated Mae West, ‘and some day it will keep you.’ I’ve been conserving mine for 30 years, and it’s definitely stored me properly in return, offering sufficient juicy literary fodder for 5 greatest-promoting books and 630 columns for The Mail On Sunday over the previous 15 years.

But as any sociable diarist can attest, the greatest time to depart a celebration is when folks nonetheless wish to hear extra from you, not much less . . .

So, as I put together to concentrate on my new world each day TV present launching in 2022, I’m packing up my gossipy quill and giving the world’s celebrities and public figures a a lot-wanted break from my beady eye.

It gained’t be a straightforward transition into non-diary-writing life.

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I dined with the irrepressible Dame Joan Collins on Tuesday, and she or he regaled a watch-popping story about Boris Johnson and Katie Price that made me gasp out loud.

(You’ll simply have to attend for the nice woman’s personal subsequent quantity of diaries to search out out what it was …)

But as a farewell, I assumed it could be enjoyable to return over all 630,000 phrases I’ve penned since writing my first diary again in October 2006 and choose my All-Time Morgan Awards.

As I did so, I realised how bloody fortunate I’ve been to have lived such a wealthy, assorted, unpredictable, often dramatic, and at all times entertaining life.

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I hate title-dropping, clearly, however my proper hand has now pressed the flesh with Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, the six most essential royals of my lifetime (the Queen, Queen Mother, Princess Diana, and Princes Philip, Charles and William), and the most notorious ‘royal’ (Meghan Markle), 4 U.S. Presidents (Carter, Clinton, Obama and Trump — and I’ve chatted on the cellphone with a fifth, Biden), seven British Prime Ministers (Thatcher, Major, Blair, Brown, Cameron, May and Johnson), film legends Jack Nicholson, Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks, Leonardo Di Caprio and George Clooney, music icons Sir Mick Jagger, Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton John, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Bono, Barbra Streisand and all three Bee Gees, TV superstars Oprah Winfrey, Simon Cowell and Jerry Seinfeld, radio emperor Howard Stern, sporting greats Muhammad Ali, Usain Bolt, Michael Phelps, Cristiano Ronaldo, Serena Williams, Sir Steve Redgrave, Sir Ian Botham and Sir Lewis Hamilton, actuality TV queens Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, enterprise moguls Rupert Murdoch, Warren Buffett and Jeff Bezos, my soccer group Arsenal’s three biggest gamers (Dennis Bergkamp, Thierry Henry and Patrick Vieira) and 32 England cricket captains.

I’m pretty sure solely MY proper hand could make this declare.

And I’ve discovered it an enthralling and interesting expertise to hang around with the most well-known, vital folks of my lifetime.

The Prince of Wales speaks with Mr Piers Morgan at Buckingham Palace 14/05/2004

The Prince of Wales speaks with Mr Piers Morgan at Buckingham Palace 14/05/2004

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As Sinatra sang, I’ve travelled every freeway, had occasions after I’ve bitten off greater than I can chew, liked, laughed and cried, had my share of dropping, however discovered all of it so amusing, and I’ve no regrets at doing issues my means, for what’s a person if not himself?

Or, extra succinctly, as Sinatra additionally sang: ‘You gotta love living, baby, ‘cos dying’s a ache in the a**.’

Here then are my All-Time Morgan Awards:

The embrace dying award for careless columnist sniping

My diary-writing days almost ended as quick as they began. Dining in 2009 at the Beverly Wilshire lodge’s Cut restaurant in LA, I discovered myself at the desk subsequent to Bruce Willis, then 54, and his new British bride, Victoria’s Secret mannequin Emma Heming, then 30.

In my subsequent column, I branded them a ‘ludicrous couple’, and wrote: ‘The most striking thing about young Emma is that she’s the absolute lifeless spit of Demi Moore at the similar age. Proof that in the event you’re a Hollywood millionaire celebrity dwelling in Tinseltown you then actually can obtain each man’s secret dream — to reverse the ageing, and relationship-maturing, course of and have the lady you first fell in love with, and married, over again.’

Three weeks later, I used to be again at Cut, at the similar desk, and after I seemed to my proper, I noticed Bruce Willis and Emma again at their similar desk, looking at me.

I felt an immediate freezing of my spinal twine.

Bruce stood up and walked over.

‘You’re Piers, proper?’ he requested.

‘Erm, yes. I am.’

Silence for a number of seconds.

‘You OK?’ he requested, with all the heat of Michael Corleone kissing his treacherous brother and whispering: ‘I know it was you, Fredo.’

‘Erm, yes. Thank you.’

‘Good, good. That’s good.’

‘How are you, Bruce?’

‘I’m good. Very good. Thank YOU. Have you met my spouse, Emma?’

‘Erm, no, I don’t assume I’ve had the pleasure.’

She smiled and stated howdy.

Bruce turned again to me. ‘I just want to say something to you, Piers: EMBRACE DEATH.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘To live your life to the full, you must embrace death.’

‘I see. Will I need to be embracing it this evening?

‘I don’t know but.’

Bruce sat down once more, and I urgently requested the sommelier to supply him a probably life-saving bottle of wine on me.

Bruce nodded, perused the checklist, and settled on a $400 Chateau Margaux.

Minutes later, two tequila slammers arrived at my desk.

I checked out Bruce who beseeched: ‘Inhale, exhale, then down in one. EMBRACE DEATH!’

I did as he stated, and he smiled.

Then two extra tequila slammers arrived, with the similar entreaty from Mr Willis: ‘Inhale, exhale! EMBRACE DEATH!’

‘I will if this carries on,’ I slurred, however downed them once more.

He laughed. Menacingly.

It was time to return hearth, so I despatched tequila to HIS desk. He hesitated.

‘Go on,’ I urged, ‘are you man or mouse?’

Emma giggled, Bruce didn’t.

But he downed his tequila and minutes later, despatched over two big Sexy Alligator cocktails (Malibu, Midori, raspberry schnapps, Jagermeister, pineapple.)

‘EMBRACE DEATH!’ Bruce exclaimed, and I almost did, given how sturdy they had been.

When he went to the lavatory, Emma told me: ‘I’ve been a fan of yours for years, I used to be so upset with what you wrote about us.’

She appeared a stunning woman and on nearer inspection, didn’t look very similar to Demi in any respect.

So, on each degree, my earlier column had died a horrible dying.

I simply hoped I wasn’t going to as properly. ‘Do you still want to kill me, Bruce?’ I requested when he returned and ready to depart.

‘Probably not,’ he replied. ‘This has been fun.’

‘If you do, I know exactly how I’ll die,’ I stated.

‘Oh yeah?’ Bruce replied. ‘How?

‘Hard. I’ll Die Hard.’

He stared at me once more, then guffawed. ‘That’s humorous. Are you going to jot down about this as properly?’

‘Of course.’

He shook his head, laughed once more, left, and I lived to inform one other tall story.

Most intriguing superstar boast

During a pleasant chat with Gwyneth Paltrow at an Oscars social gathering in 2011, I joked: ‘I didn’t realise you had been this good.’

‘Oh, I’m very, very good, Piers,’ she purred.

Pause.

‘Except in the bedroom.’

Gwyneth Paltrow 'Avengers: Infinity War' film premiere, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 23 Apr 2018

Gwyneth Paltrow ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ movie premiere, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA – 23 Apr 2018

Best epitaph author

Sir Michael Parkinson described me thus: ‘Piers, you’re proactive, fearless . . . and typically you’re a complete twerp.’ I’ll take that.

Worst job provide

I didn’t assume something might be much less interesting than ‘Celebrity Shark Bait’ the place I used to be supplied £100,000 to be lowered inside a cage right into a South African sea filled with lethal Great Whites.

(‘What happens if the cage breaks open?’ I requested. ‘Great TV!’ got here the response.)

But then I used to be promised an excellent bigger giant cheque to pretend my very own dying, and witness how the information was then obtained by the world.

‘This needs to be very hush-hush,’ the manufacturing firm stated, ‘and obviously, certain people would need to know . . .’ You assume?

I can think about the BBC News headline now: ‘Tributes failed to pour in last night . . .’

Fastest slide into my dms

When I adopted 4 forged members of U.S. TV authorized drama Suits on Twitter, certainly one of them despatched me a personal direct message minutes later.

It learn: ‘Well hello there — thanks for the follow. Big fan of yours!’

Suffice it to say, I don’t assume Meghan Markle stays fairly such an enormous fan.

Least tempting problem

Amid all the fulsome tributes to Muhammad Ali, I tweeted: ‘I hope people don’t make me sound too excellent after I die. No coats of sugar please.’

‘You could always test us?’ steered singer John Legend.

Most stunning rapprochement

After I mocked Little Mix for posing bare with insults akin to ‘slutty’ painted on their our bodies, Ariana Grande — who I’d additionally criticised for initially fleeing from Manchester after the terror assault that killed so lots of her followers — fired again at me by tweeting: ‘I look forward to the day you realise there are other ways to go about making yourself relevant than to criticise young successful women. I think that’s a ravishing factor for you and your profession . . . or what’s left of it.’ Ouch!

Three months later, I used to be eating with my supervisor at Ocean Prime restaurant in Beverly Hills after we spied Ms Grande at a close-by desk.

To my shock, the world’s greatest pop star (that week she turned the first solo artist to ever have the prime three singles in the U.S. Top 100 Billboard chart) clocked me and came to visit to our sales space to announce: ‘Let’s chat.’

And chat we did, for hours till 1am, about all the things from feminism, politics and terrorism — to like, music and friendship.

Ariana purchased us some very costly pink wine however wasn’t pleased with the means I toasted our new alliance.

‘NO! NO! NO!’ she screamed. ‘Always look me in the eye as you clink. Do it again! LOOK ME IN THE EYES!

We clinked again, and this time I stared straight into her eyes. ‘That’s higher! OK, now we are able to drink.’

‘Fiery little thing, aren’t you?’ I laughed.

‘I’m Italian, half-Sicilian, half-Abruzzese. So, I make no apologies for being passionate — it’s in my blood!’ Ariana was heat, whip-good, emotional and hilarious.

It was a superb night.

When I received as much as depart, she sprang up, too, ran spherical the desk and exclaimed: ‘Can we hug? Would that be inappropriate?’

‘Yes, of course,’ I replied.

So, we hugged.

‘I’m so glad we met,’ she stated.

‘Me, too,’ I replied.

‘I think we’re going to be good mates,’ she stated, ‘we’re much more alike than I realised.’

Most ruthless Instagram troll

Holly Willoughby posted a photograph of us captioned: ‘Lovely afternoon with Piers Morgan, thank you for a wonderful lunch. X.’

To which certainly one of her followers commented: ‘Big t*ts meets a f***ing massive t*t.’

Least spectacular Nostradamus

‘Trump has no chance of becoming President,’ Lord Sugar declared throughout a cocktail party thrown by designer Kelly Hoppen in May 2016. ‘None, nada, zero. Never happening. I know these things.’

(This narrowly beat Lord Sugar’s personal earlier greatest prediction in 2005: ‘Next Christmas, the iPod will be dead, kaput.’ Apple went on to promote 400 million iPods.)

Pictured: Joan Collins, Piers Morgan and Alan Sugar

Pictured: Joan Collins, Piers Morgan and Alan Sugar

Best novice podiatrist revelation

I had my toes massaged on a Barbados seaside in 2009 by a 6 ft 6 in native legend Rastafarian named ‘The Doctor’ who told me: ‘I’ve finished all the huge stars.’

‘Who has the best celebrity feet?’ I requested.

‘Alan Shearer. Very smooth.’

‘And the worst?’

‘Hugh Grant. Short and fat.’

Most unlikely bromance

Cristiano Ronaldo direct messaged me on Instagram (he’s the most-adopted star in the world) to say: ‘Hello sir! How are you? I saw your (crime) documentary on Netflix! I watch them all with my girlfriend in bed and we love them. She said I should tell you that, so I am now telling you!’

Soon, we started chatting on the cellphone and texting, and I persuaded him to take a seat down for a uncommon private interview, in Turin, the place he was taking part in for Juventus.

After a superb chat, Ronaldo invited my eldest son Spencer and I to dinner at his favorite native Japanese restaurant the place we spent 4 fabulous hours consuming sushi, ingesting scrumptious wine, and chewing the fats about life, soccer, and serial killers.

‘I’d prefer to pay for dinner,’ I stated at the finish.

From my costly expertise, most celebrities are very blissful by no means to get their pockets out, however Ronaldo’s made of various gravy on and off the pitch.

‘No, no, NO!’ he cried indignantly. ‘You are MY guests and have come to MY home. I pay!’

Piers Morgan and Cristiano Ronaldo: Friday 13th September 2019

Piers Morgan and Cristiano Ronaldo: Friday thirteenth September 2019

Then he gave us two signed Juventus shirts, hugged us, and slipped away into his £250,000 Rolls-Royce.

We’ve stayed in contact ever since, messaging on an nearly each day foundation, and other than his wondrous expertise with a soccer, he’s the most down-to-earth megastar I do know.

The man with the biggest abs in world sporting historical past additionally gave me a praise that will find yourself on my tombstone: ‘Piers,’ he stated in the interview, ‘you have good abdominals.’

The clip, now my pinned tweet, has to date had 35 million views — greater than any single TV present/occasion in British historical past.

Most pleasing superstar disfigurement

Several years after Jeremy Clarkson and I brawled at the British Press Awards, we ran into one another in a Kensington restaurant, and I complained that he’d left a two-inch scar on my proper temple. (It’s nonetheless there …)

‘My injuries were far worse,’ he snorted, displaying me the crocked and gnarled little finger on his proper, punching, hand.

‘I broke it on your head,’ he stated, ‘and it’s by no means reset correctly.’

Most stunning decision of a feud

Many years, and harsh public barbs, later, I obtained a 1am textual content: ‘Morgan, Clarkson here. We should stop it. Drink?’

‘Pint in the Scarsdale?’ I responded. (We frequent the similar West London pub.) Two nights later, we arrived at the similar time, shook palms, and marched to the bar as startled locals spontaneously choked with disbelief on their pork scratchings.

For the subsequent 4 hours, we sat outdoors and drank — me, huge portions of London Pride bitter and Rioja, him gallons of rosé.

As the alcohol flowed, he revealed why he waved the white flag.

‘I’m going by a troublesome divorce,’ he sighed, ‘my first ex-wife has also come out of the woodwork to give me hell, I’m smoking an excessive amount of, ingesting an excessive amount of, my again hurts, I’m throughout the papers with scandals, I’m at battle with my BBC bosses, and my mom has simply died. I merely don’t have the vitality for you any extra, Morgan.’

We lastly agreed that what our mutual mates have at all times insisted could also be true — the purpose we waged battle for thus lengthy was as a result of we’re so related: quiet, modest, devoid of opinion, and universally liked.

Revenge is a dish tasted ice chilly

To cement our new peace, I appeared on Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire final 12 months.

After I gave what he knew was the improper reply, Clarkson smirked, flashed his disfigured finger, and quoted Chinese warrior Sun Tzu:

‘They say that if you wait by the river for long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by, and yours has come by, Morgan. You’ve humiliated your self. Goodbye.’

Most horrified political snub

When Sir John Major joined me in fellow knight Sir Ian Botham’s field at Lord’s, I requested him if he’d do a selfie with me.

He seemed repulsed.

‘No, Piers. I do NOT do selfies!’

Pause.

‘And definitely not with you!

Best excuse for standing me up

Raquel Welch invited me to meet her in her hotel suite the day before our Life Stories interview, then cancelled at the last minute.

‘Sorry Piers,’ she defined after we lastly met at the studio the subsequent day, ‘I just remembered that I never take tea in the morning with any man I haven’t slept with.’

Piers Morgan and actress Raquel Welch

Piers Morgan and actress Raquel Welch

Most disconcerting ballot victory

I got here prime of a ‘Most Popular Beer-Goggles Pin-up’ ballot which revealed 39 per cent of British girls don’t discover me remotely engaging when sober however do once they’ve had just a few drinks.

‘What nonsense,’ I spluttered indignantly to my spouse Celia. ‘I can’t imagine girls solely discover me sizzling once they’re drunk.’

‘No, it’s true,’ she replied. ‘I’m certainly one of them.’

Biggest bombshell

I’d at all times had a sneaking suspicion that issues had received just a little too . . . ahem . . .spicy, between a few of the Spice Girls.

So, after I interviewed Mel B for Life Stories, I went for the jugular.

‘There were rumours you and Geri were more than good friends,’ I probed. ‘You had a dabble?’

She stared at me, frozen in half-smirk silence for a number of seconds.

‘No denial?’ I endured.

‘She had great boobs,’ stated Mel.

‘So, you did?!’

‘Not really . . .’

‘You clearly DID!’

Mel B seemed over desperately at Mel C, sitting amongst the viewers.

‘I don’t know ANYTHING! This is all new to me . . .’ insisted Ms Chisholm, with a face that steered she knew completely all the things however couldn’t imagine her pal was about to cough to it.

‘OH, WHATEVER, MELANIE!’ screeched Mel B, whose apparent squirming was all the encouragement I wanted.

‘Did you or didn’t you with Geri Halliwell?’

‘Well, what do you consider as doing it or not?’

This was like negotiating over Brexit — each tiny element of clarification was of significant historic significance.

‘Did you sleep with her?’

‘Yeah, we all slept in a bed together but not “like that”.’

Like all good gossip hounds, I endured. ‘Did you sleep with Geri “like that?” ’

Mel fell silent once more, then a cheeky grin appeared, and she or he nodded.

‘Yeah, and now I’ve stated it, she’s going to kill me and so’s her husband.’

Suffice it to say that every one hell broke free afterwards, with Geri issuing livid implausible denials and threatening to cancel the Spice Girls reunion tour.

But extra importantly, my place in the pantheon of journalistic legends was assured — this was the showbiz equal of Watergate.

Spiciest request for a message supply

A pal of mine discovered himself sitting with Victoria Beckham at an occasion in Dubai a number of years in the past and despatched me the following abstract of a part of their dialog:

VB: ‘Is it true you know Piers Morgan?’

Friend: ‘Yes.’

VB: ‘Can you send him a message from me?’

Friend: ‘Yes.’

VB: ‘Tell him he’s a c***.’

Friend: ‘Will do.’

Half an hour later, she returned:

VB: ‘Actually, don’t ship that.’

Friend: ‘Why not?’

VB: ‘Because it will make him happy.’

Nancy Dell'Olio, Piers Morgan and Victoria Beckham attend the Glamour Women Of The Year Awards 2007, at the Berkeley Square Gardens on June 5, 2007 in London, England

Nancy Dell’Olio, Piers Morgan and Victoria Beckham attend the Glamour Women Of The Year Awards 2007, at the Berkeley Square Gardens on June 5, 2007 in London, England

That explains all the things award

‘What is the secret of the Johnson family success?’ I requested Rachel Johnson throughout a taxi journey to BBC1’s Question Time in Surrey.

‘Well,’ she giggled, ‘all the men are incredibly well-hung.’

Most damning speech by a sibling

At my fiftieth party in 2015, attended by everybody from Lord Sugar and Gary Lineker to Ant McPartlin and Amanda Holden, my brother Jeremy gleefully took me down in entrance of all my superstar friends with zingers together with:

  • ‘As Rupert Murdoch once rightly said of him: ‘The problem with Piers is that his balls are bigger than his brains.’
  • ‘You’d must be an entire fool occurring his Life Stories present, there appears to be a good likelihood of both blubbing like a lady or having your collar felt by the police intercourse crimes unit.’
  • ‘He has penned numerous best-selling books, mostly about the one thing that interests him more than anything else: himself.’

Best again-handed praise

Lord Sugar, talking at the similar occasion: ‘Piers must have some talent, ‘cos he’s too ugly to have slept his approach to the prime.’

Most unashamedly unpatriotic turncoat

Jack Whitehall told the star-studded viewers at a Hollywood awards ceremony: ‘Piers Morgan is Britain’s reply to Donald Trump, if the query America was asking was: “I wonder what Donald Trump would be like with less charm?” ’

The why it’s best to typically meet your heroes award

I used to be a 16-12 months-previous cricket fanatic when Sir Ian Botham destroyed the Australians in what turned generally known as the ‘Botham’s Ashes’ collection. To my delight, he then turned a terrific pal over the years and on his sixtieth birthday the nice man invited me to play golf with him at Sunningdale, Berkshire, together with a choose gathering together with certainly one of his fellow 1981 heroes Bob Willis, adopted by an epic lengthy lunch at the acclaimed Waterside Inn restaurant in close by Bray.

We drank nice wine, guzzled dazzling three-Michelin-star meals cooked by iconic chef Michel Roux, and as the solar set, we adjourned to a small hexagonal hut by the river outdoors the place we sat for an additional two hours, smoking huge cigars, ingesting even larger glasses of brandy, and speaking about the collection that cemented my love of the biggest sport in the world.

‘I wish Winston Churchill was here,’ Beefy declared at one level.

But there was no want. We had the fashionable model with us.

Best profession recommendation

In an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim steered I pursue a disconcerting new profession.

‘Did Piers Morgan respond to you?’ requested her sister Kourtney, alluding to a Twitter debate that Kim and I had over a very cheesy bare selfie she’d posted. ‘He wrote a full blog about why don’t I attempt to achieve success with my garments on,’ replied Kim. ‘I’m like, why don’t YOU attempt to achieve success along with your garments OFF? It’s truly actually arduous.’

Best private recommendation

During filming for America’s Got Talent in 2009, I told co-choose David Hasselhoff that I used to be going to the Midsummer Night’s Dream social gathering at the Playboy Mansion.

‘You’ll have a variety of enjoyable there, man,’ he stated. ‘It’s fairly loopy! The chicks are gonna be throwing themselves at you!’

‘Actually, I’m going with my girlfriend,’ I replied.

The Hoff seemed completely bemused, then shook his head slowly.

‘Don’t you realize the golden rule? Never take sand to the seaside!’

Most magical musical expertise

Lionel Richie invited me to dinner at his Bel Air house and revealed: ‘Michael Jackson, Marvin Gaye and me all shared one thing in common — none of us could read music!’

‘How can you create songs if you can’t learn music?’ I requested. ‘You do this . . .’ he replied, and started tapping his finger on the desk, in a gradual, rhythmical monotone. ‘I saw Marvin do it once, and it was incredible to watch.’

Lionel continued tapping the desk, with the similar finger, after which began riffing along with his voice, simply singing up as he went.

It was spellbinding.

Houdini award for the biggest escape

Janet Street-Porter told Loose Women viewers: ‘I’d sooner kiss a Gloucester Spotted Pig than Piers Morgan.’ Phew.

Least reassuring character evaluation

‘Is Piers Morgan A Psychopath?’ requested the Radio Times.

They explored this disconcerting query by getting me to reply an in depth check set by Dr Kevin Dutton, a psychology skilled from Oxford University.

‘Piers does possess some psychopathic tendencies,’ concluded Dr Dutton. ‘He’s persuasive, charismatic, cool underneath stress and could be ruthless when he has to. But in different methods, he’s un-psychopathic — he’s dependable, arduous-working, and really empathetic. You may name him a very good psychopath!’

Most humiliating public de-bagging

One Direction star Niall Horan challenged me to a charity professional-am soccer match at Leicester City’s stadium, and as I stood subsequent to him on the touchline, I instantly felt a pair of palms clutch my shorts and yank them downwards, as a loud northern voice cackled: ‘Take that you w***er!’.

Terror gripped me: I’d been debagged by Harry Styles in entrance of 18,000 folks, most of whom had been armed with digital camera telephones.

(My most recurring nightmare is discovering myself bare on digital camera reside on air.)

James Corden exploded with laughter. ‘I think we just saw your limitations laid bare, Morgan!’

Most unlikely film star present

Burt Reynolds despatched me a love coronary heart-formed pillow along with his face on it and a hand-written observe on headed paper from his suite at the Dorchester Hotel which learn: ‘Piers, love and warm thoughts always, Burt. PS you’re very particular.’

Burt Reynolds and Sally Field at the Steak Pit Restaurant in Los Angeles, California

Burt Reynolds and Sally Field at the Steak Pit Restaurant in Los Angeles, California

Karma’s a damaged bone bitch award

When Australian quick bowler Brett Lee destroyed my ribcage in a ferocious televised assault on my personage in the nets at the Melbourne Cricket Ground (my horrified sister dubbed it ‘a public stoning’), Shane Warne was the umpire and might be seen cracking up as my bones cracked up. ‘You should have got in line mate, not backed away!’ he chortled afterwards.

Six months later, Mr Warne himself needed to face Mr Lee in the Lord’s two hundredth anniversary recreation and was thus capable of present me precisely the way it’s finished.

Brett bowled him a vicious (unintentional) beamer first ball, Shane duly received in line, the ball struck his proper hand — and broke it.

The ‘you don’t truly know if you’ve been tango’d’ award

During the first wave of the pandemic, I needed to do my very own make-up on Good Morning Britain and one morning, I unintentionally chosen the improper pot and painted myself brilliant orange.

I solely realised when viewers bombarded me on Twitter with photos of my head subsequent to certainly one of perma-tanned President Trump with mocking ‘TANGO TWINS!’ fashion captions.

‘How bad is it?’ I whispered to Susanna Reid.

‘It’s not nice,’ she giggled, ‘there are some . . . blending issues.’

Least sympathetic well-known pal

When I wrongly thought I had Covid final 12 months, and took a number of days off work, many superstar mates rushed to proffer their issues.

Apart from one.

‘Oh, come on Piers,’ texted Vinnie Jones, ‘don’t be going for the sympathy vote with all the housewives you full b***finish. Let me know if you recover from the sniffles, you pansy. Your loving buddy, Vin. X’

Attached to the message was a photograph of a smirking Mr Jones sporting a beanie hat with a big woollen penis caught on the entrance.

I went straight again to work.

Vinnie Jones of Wimbledon makes a point during a League Division One match between Wimbledon and Middlesbrough at Plough Lane on March 25, 1989 in London, England

Vinnie Jones of Wimbledon makes a degree throughout a League Division One match between Wimbledon and Middlesbrough at Plough Lane on March 25, 1989 in London, England

We might be twins award

When I gained Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice present in 2008, his ultimate phrases to me as he introduced the end result had been: ‘Piers, you’re a vicious man. You’re robust. You’re good. You’re most likely sensible. I’m undecided. You’re definitely not diplomatic. But you probably did an incredible job. And you beat the hell out of all people . . . you’re my Celebrity Apprentice.’

So, when Trump gained the Presidency in 2016, I despatched him a letter saying:

‘Donald, you’re a vicious man. You’re robust. You’re good. You’re most likely sensible. I’m undecided. You’re definitely not diplomatic. But you probably did an incredible job. And you beat the hell out of all people . . . you’re the President of the United States.’

He rang me the second he received it, laughing his head off.

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